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The Gary Tanguay Velfie power rankings

01.26.17 at 1:21 pm ET
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If you haven’t heard, the Gary Tanguay Velfie phenomenon is currently sweeping the country. Gary has velfied from his kitchen, living room, Guitar Center in Natick and Troy Brown’s driveway. He even velfies while he sleeps.  

  My Dream Velfie. @csnne #tanguaytakesamerica   A video posted by Gary Tanguay (@gntanguay) on

Do you put mustard on that dress?

Gary has come a long way since these first Velfies:

Pat’s offense struggles against the Lambs.

A video posted by Gary Tanguay (@gntanguay) on

 

The first Tanguay Velfie of the Day! Sox = Snooze. I miss Larry. A video posted by Gary Tanguay (@gntanguay) on

Here is a ranking of some of his more notable velfies:

10. Living Room Gary

This one was meh. Here we have Gary with a Velfie Stick and very subtle homages to past velfies in the background. The Gary doll reading a book made me laugh but this one is bland.      

9. Gary at Wegman’s

Another Tanguay Velfie: Red Sale gearing up to sell? @csnne A video posted by Gary Tanguay (@gntanguay) on

I like this for the caption.

8. Bumbelina Gary

This is OK but I wish he had done the same vocal exercises he did on the morning show last year because that was fantastic and I still think about it at least once a day.

7. Tailgating Gary

The camera work for this velfie is outstanding. One-take Tanguay has a very steady hand and we get a nice shot from below of the spatulas in Gary’s pockets apron. And he tries to do some advertising but when he says the name of the company that sent him the inflatable salad bar, you can barely understand it. Don’t you hate it when people who think they are Julian Edelman knock over your selfie stick? One take, people.

6. Gary Doll

This one has a lot of moving parts and I want video footage of Gary setting it up. Of him finding that doll and the Barbie and the Gary Jackass picture and putting it all together and writing the script. This velfie is about Isaiah Thomas somehow but the real moral of the story turns out to be “Dolls: can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”

5. The Drum Series

Velfie: Dropping a Pats’ beat on Denver. A video posted by Gary Tanguay (@gntanguay) on

Then Guitar Center banned him:

This is also where I want to see some behind-the-scenes Velfie footage. Did Gary ask the poor, unsuspecting employees of this Guitar Center for permission? If so, how did he explain what he was doing? And why did they say yes? Especially the second time when they saw him walk in wearing a sweatband on his head. I like watching all of these, but especially these few, while thinking about Dan Kennedy calling Gary a “traditional journalist.” It makes them 300 percent funnier.

4. The Gary Mask

The best part is the tea bag. And he put on a suit and tie for this.

Also, I wonder if the irony of Gary saying “I don’t know of anybody that needs more attention than Minihane” while wearing a giant mask of his own face over his face in a video of himself sitting in his kitchen was intentional.

3. Trespassing Gary

Gary presumably wrote and memorized this song, which is impressive, but this isn’t even Gary’s house. Imagine looking out your window and seeing a man in your yard singing a song about the Red Sox into a phone on a stick. Speaking of, this was the debut of the Velfie Stick, which we knew had to be coming at some point.

2. I don’t even know what this was

In this 45 seconds of psychosis, Gary goes through items on Odditymall and tells us what he would get certain people for Christmas and has very solid reasons for all of them. And it is here where Gary invents the phrase “Fondoodle Your Furger.”

In the initial few seconds we see a video of a woman putting on a sock while Gary jingles a single bell in front of the screen and you wonder what kind of mind comes up with this. By the end, you have no idea how you got there but somehow it works.

1. Casual Kitchen Gary

This one remains my favorite. The Uncle Christmas apron, how chopping garlic makes him think of Danny Ainge, the Goodfellas reference. It has everything. We even learned from this video that Gary picked out the crown molding in his house.